


let the bitch rest, daisya

by jinchav



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: ALSO BC IM AUSSIE THIS WILL BE SET IN AUSTRALIA, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Daisya Barry, Attempt at Humor, But I Myself Have No Moral Compass, Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Humor, F/F, F/M, Friendships going too fast, Gen, Group chat, I will get hate but fuck it, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Jokes About Things That Shouldn't Be Joked About, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, OOC Adaptions of these charactesr bc i am dumb and it is a chatfic, Oh!!, Pining, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Romance, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, THERE WILL BE LOADS OF AUSSIE UH REFERENCES, Taboo topics, Texting, Too many puns, Trans Allen Walker, Trigger Warnings for a lot of things, Very Mature Fic, add as we go, but not really, chatfic, chatfic au, i suppose it is 'college' and not 'university', i will NOT be holding back, im just gonna make shit up, lenalee is aro but not ace, look i am NOT a minor so this fanfic will be quite the explicit and quite the experience, lots of, nonbinary characters - Freeform, puns, speaking of american, tech genius!miranda lotto, tho be warned i dont know anything about tech lol, ugh american spelling, uhhmm what else, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23048041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinchav/pseuds/jinchav
Summary: kanda get your own apartment challenge7:56 amILL KICK UR BALLS: are u denying it?yuu a bitch: i dont need to get a new apartmentbig hammer ;): U DON’T EVEN GO HERE ANYMOREbig hammer ;): wow he just went offlineILL KICK UR BALLS: what a dickbig hammer ;): a dickheadILL KICK UR BALLS has changed yuu a bitch’s name to dickhead—Howard Link finally gets accepted into Rose Cross University, yet unknowingly he has also been “accepted” into a big fucking mess of a group chat with his new “friends”.
Relationships: Daisya Barry & Lenalee Lee, Eventual Kanda Yuu/Alma Karma/Lavi, Everyone & Everyone, Howard Link/Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu/Alma Karma, Miranda Lotto/Noise Marie, Past Arystar Krory/Eliade
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	1. yeah that's my aesthetic

**Author's Note:**

> couldn’t really envision a group chat fic during canon, so, university/college alternate universe it is. The characters that I don’t know well will not be added/will talk minimally/only be mentioned, sorry! but hey, everyone is at least 69% gay!! Enjoy ;)
> 
> i just want the dgm kids to be happy so it’s an alt universe in chatfic form with a terrible mix of memes and vulgarity. heavy on the vulgarity, you’ve been warned!
> 
> \--
> 
> big hammer ;): lavi  
> yuu a bitch / dickhead: kanda  
> daaango / fckn YUM: allen  
> float like a butterfly: lenalee  
> ILL KICK UR BALLS: daisya  
> nein!: miranda  
> karma, bitch: alma  
> rowohfa: rohfa  
> jUsTiCe: chaoji  
> Link: Link

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**   
_4:21 am_

**big hammer ;)** : blaze it

 **yuu a bitch** : you woke me up  
 **yuu a bitch** : im gonna kill you

 **big hammer ;)** : OHASHITDJSJ I HEAR FOOTSTEPS

 **daaango** : get rekt lavi

 **float like a butterfly** : why tf are u all awake

 **daaango** : why are YOU?

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : why are YUU*  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : I HEAR FOOTSTEPS TOO  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ASSDJKSKK

 **big hammer ;)** : well i was tryna play stardew valley whilst high  
 **big hammer ;)** : o i just caught a sea cucucumber  
 **big hammer ;)** : fuck i sdont want that

 **daaango** : “cucucumber”

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : “cucucucucuumber”

 **float like a butterfly** : engough

 **big hammer ;)** : i have the worst fishing rod in hsitory  
 **big hammer ;)** : history

 **yuu a bitch** : FUCKING SLEEP ALREADY

 **big hammer ;)** : ok jeez princess,  
 **big hammer ;)** : WHY DO YOU STOPMP SO LOUD  
 **big hammer ;)** : OHSSHITTHHTHHH  
 **big hammer ;)** : HELP MME

 **daaango** : good fucking night.

_7:44 am_

**big hammer ;)** : you know when you take a big fat shit and then your stomach decreases in size?  
 **big hammer ;)** : yeah that’s my aesthetic

 **nein!** : I’m eating.

 **big hammer ;)** : HAHHAHLDS  
 **big hammer ;)** : good morning  
 **big hammer ;)** : last night i left a nature documentary in the bg  
 **big hammer ;)** : HERE IS WHAT I LEARNED ABT ONE SPECIES OF BUTTERFLY  
 **big hammer ;)** : as a caterpillar they pretend to be ant larvae and theyre taken into the ant place

 **karma, bitch** : “ant place”

 **big hammer ;)** : AND THEYRE TREATED LIKE ANTS  
 **big hammer ;)** : GET FED AND SHIT  
 **big hammer ;)** : 2 YEARS LATER THEY TURN INTO LIL COCOONS

 **float like a butterfly** : lmao its free real estate

 **big hammer ;)** : COME OUT AS BUTTERFLIES  
 **big hammer ;)** : AND LEAVE  
 **big hammer ;)** : DEADASS

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : sounds like kanda

 **yuu a bitch** : fuck off

—

**kanda get your own apartment challenge**   
_7:56 am_

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : are u denying it?

 **yuu a bitch** : i dont need to get a new apartment

 **big hammer ;)** : U DON’T EVEN GO HERE ANYMORE

 **big hammer ;)** : wow he just went offline

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : what a dick

 **big hammer ;)** : a dickhead

_**ILL KICK UR BALLS** has changed **yuu a bitch’s** name to **dickhead**_

**big hammer ;)** : you’re doing god’s work

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : u don’t even relgiiong

 **big hammer ;)** : neither do you???

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : touche

 **big hammer ;)** : wow you know bIg WoRdS

 **big hammer ;)** : 

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : READ MY FUCKING NAME LAVI  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : READ MY NAME

 **big hammer ;)** : YOU DONT SCARE ME  
 **big hammer ;)** : sshit

—

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**   
_12:26 pm_

**daaango** : GUYS what is the sweet ball from chinatown

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : did u mean: me?

 **float like a butterfly** : umm

 **daaango** : NVM I GOT IT

 **float like a butterfly** : do you mean the emperorors  
 **float like a butterfly** : emperors  
 **float like a butterfly** : custard balls

 **daaango** : YEA  
 **daaango** : i’m craving them

_**daaango** has changed **daaango’s** name to **fckn YUM**_

**big hammer ;)** : you’re cravin them balls huh ;)

 **fckn YUM** : litearlly shut up

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : sozrry allen  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i’m asexual  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : u can’t have my balls in THAT way

 **rowohfa** : oh i love emperors puff!!

 **nein!** : Me too omg  
 **nein!** : If I could go back in time  
 **nein!** : I would only buy and eat emperor’s puffs

 **rowohfa** : they’re so good!!!  
 **rowohfa** : but there’s so many people lined up there [sad face emoji]

 **karma, bitch** : yeah but it’s a weekday  
 **karma, bitch** : in the middleof the day

 **big hammer ;)** : oUR HOUSE  
 **big hammer ;)** : iN tHe MiddLe of The sTreEt

 **float like a butterfly** : shut up lavi

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : its the perfect jiggle tho  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : JINGLE

 **big hammer ;)** : JIGGLE???

 **jUsTiCe** : I go online to see whos got lectures today  
 **jUsTiCe** : and I see THIS SHIT ???

 **rowohfa** : hi chaoji!!  
 **rowohfa** : i’ve got a class in about an hr

 **jUsTiCe** : hey rohfa  
 **jUsTiCe** : same ish  
 **jUsTiCe** : let’s go to the library  
 **jUsTiCe** : I’ll shout you coffee

 **rowohfa** : yay thanks!!!  
 **rowohfa** : see you there [blushy smile emoji]

 **big hammer ;)** : …chaojiggle

 **jUsTiCe** : I hate you

 **dickhead** : lavi this is your last warning

 **big hammer ;)** : NON O PLS  
 **big hammer ;)** : I CAN ONLY GET BEAT UP SO MANY TIMES IN 1 DAY

 **fckn YUM** : f

 **float like a butterfly** : f

 **nein!** : f

 **dickhead** : did u fucking change my name again

 **big hammer ;)** : did yuu*  
 **big hammer ;)** : OHG OD I HEAR HIM ASKAAKSJ

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : big f

 **karma, bitch** : karma, bitch

—

**kanda get your own apartment challenge**   
_3:32 pm_

**big hammer ;)** : lmao who knew kanda could b polite enough to knocok

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : what a big baby  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i’mtake my nap  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : oepen door urself

 **big hammer ;)** : a nap??  
 **big hammer ;)** : dont you have night lectures

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : WELL IM TIRED KOK OK ?????

 **dickhead** : i am at work shut the fuck up

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : waht

 **big hammer ;)** : what?????  
 **big hammer ;)** : then who tf is at the door

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : mayb open it and find out

 **big hammer ;)** : i ppeeeped thru the eep hole

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : “eep hole”

 **big hammer ;)** : so we have a new roommate LMAO

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : shit was that today

 **big hammer ;)** : YES LMAO

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i can hear u wheezing in frantic  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : it is not laughter

 **big hammer ;)** : IM HYPING MYSELF P UP TO STRANGER

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : tell them i am sleep

_5:41 pm_

_**big hammer ;)** has added **Link** to the chat_

**big hammer ;)** : so this is the housing chat  
 **big hammer ;)** : to discuss housing  
 **big hammer ;)** : things

 **Link** : I see.  
 **Link** : Thank you.

 **big hammer ;)** : yeah no worries  
 **big hammer ;)** : youve met daisya but the other one is kanda yuu  
 **big hammer ;)** : or yuu kanda  
 **big hammer ;)** : don’t call him yuu  
 **big hammer ;)** : yuu’ll die

 **Link** : Noted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dunno how to write link  
> why did i write this  
> also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EvVthDf-Dk


	2. #cryptid boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big hammer ;): do u think vampires that are jewish can only drink kosher certified blood  
> big hammer ;): and muslim vampires need halal blood  
> big hammer ;): what do they do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> introducing
> 
> krory: what we do in the shadows  
> komui: Komwee  
> reever: i need coffee  
> johnny: johnny johnny  
> for: fo’ sizzle

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**   
_11:02 pm_

**big hammer ;)** : do u think vampires that are jewish can only drink kosher certified blood  
 **big hammer ;)** : and muslim vampires need halal blood  
 **big hammer ;)** : what do they do

**karma, bitch** : you think there needs to be specific types of blood for vampires to consume….???

**big hammer ;)** : THAT S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW???

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : @lenalee

**float like a butterfly** : that is so stupid yet very intruiguing  
 **float like a butterfly** : intruiiguing  
 **float like a butterfly** : let me ask krory

**big hammer ;)** : omg krorykins uwu

**fckn YUM** : lavi shu t up i want to know this

**big hammer ;)** : everyone is so rude to me

—

**Café Lee**   
_11:05 pm_

**float like a butterfly** : @krory  
 **float like a butterfly** : [screenshot i don’t believe in hell]

**fo’ sizzle** : WHAT IS THE TRUTH [thinking emoji]

**i need coffee** : what the hell

**johnny johnny** : I think vampires just drink anything unless they have allergies

**float like a butterfly** : i love u johnny but i didn’t ask you  
 **float like a butterfly** : @KRORY

**johnny johnny** : :(

**i need coffee** : yeah he’ll answer because you called him through text

**what we do in the shadows** : Humbly, I say, in my most honest opinion,

**i need coffee** : i stand corrected

**johnny johnny** : oh boy here we go

**what we do in the shadows** : I Don’t Know

**float like a butterfly** : wwhat the fuck kroory

**what we do in the shadows** : Lena you realise I am not /actually/ a vampire

**float like a butterfly** : THIS IS USELESS  
 **float like a butterfly** : NO OVERTIME FOR YOU TMR NIGHT YOU FAKE BLOODSUCKER

**Komwee** : IF YOU WANT I CAN FIRE HIM

**float like a butterfly** : NO OH MY GOD KOMUI  
 **float like a butterfly** : IM JOKE

**what we do in the shadows** : DONT FIRE ME PLEASE IMS OORYY  
 **what we do in the shadows** : I NEED THIS JOB  
 **what we do in the shadows** : IM SORRY IM NOT ACTUALLY A VAMPIRRIE

**float like a butterfly** : SKALDJA BROTHER U BROKE HIM

**i need coffee** : wtf he’s my best barista

**fo’ sizzle** : what am i then  
 **fo’ sizzle** : discarded piece of trash ??

**i need coffee** : your name is “fo sizzle”  
 **i need coffee** : if i owned a bar you’d be my best  
 **i need coffee** : um  
 **i need coffee** : bar bitch

**fo’ sizzle** : BAR BITCH LMAO  
 **fo’ sizzle** : id be bouncer for sure  
 **fo’ sizzle** : haha “for” sure

**johnny johnny** : omg do you think vampires could get high blood pressure  
 **johnny johnny** : or diabetes  
 **johnny johnny** : eg if the sugar content of the person they are sucking is too high

**fo’ sizzle** : sucking as in…….

**johnny johnny** : THE BLOOD NOT THE DICK

**what we do in the shadows** : Oh dear  
 **what we do in the shadows** : Before any of you ask,  
 **what we do in the shadows** : I DON’T KNOW !!!!! PLEASE DONT FIRE ME

**i need coffee** : your breaks are over make me coffe i’m sick of u heathens

—

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**   
_11:22 pm_

**float like a butterfly** : [screenshot cafe lee]  
 **float like a butterfly** : USELESS

**fckn YUM** : damn i really wanted to know [pensive face emoji]

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : why

**fckn YUM** : i want to know what blood tastes like???

**jUsTiCe** : that is terrifying

**float like a butterfly** : you find everything abt allen terrifying chaoji

**big hammer ;)** : ggle

**float like a butterfly** : what

**big hammer ;)** : his name is chaojiggle

_**big hammer ;)** has changed **jUsTiCe’s** name to **chaojiggle**_

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : AHAHHAHHAHAHA

**nein!** : oh my goddddd

**chaojiggle** : I’m gonna pull a kanda and whoop your ass lavi  
 **chaojiggle** : just you wait

**big hammer ;)** : ya ok sure but my ass wont chaojiggle like ur ass does

**dickhead** : that is enough for today.  
 **dickhead** : prepare to meet your end.

**chaojiggle** : THANK YOU FOR HAVING MY BACK

**big hammer ;)** : thank YUU*  
 **big hammer ;)** : IM SORRY OH DKFDSKN

**karma, bitch** : WHEN DO YOU LEARN LAVI ????

**float like a butterfly** : it’s what he deserves

**rowohfa** : ……f

—

**kanda get your own apartment challenge**   
_1:16 am_

**dickhead** : whoever just opened the fucking door.  
 **dickhead** : better stay quiet the rest of the night.  
 **dickhead** : don’t fucking test me

**Link** : My apologies  
 **Link** : I have just returned from work  
 **Link** : I will attempt to be as silent as humanly possible.

**big hammer ;)** : skdsjksjk love the use of “humanly”  
 **big hammer ;)** : almost like yuu already KNOW yuu isn’t human

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : _karma, bitch: WHEN DO YOU LEARN LAVI ????_

**big hammer ;)** : WELL HE SAID  
 **big hammer ;)** : AND I QUOTE  
 **big hammer ;)** : _dickhead:_ _that is enough for today._  
 **big hammer ;)** : AND IT IS THE NXT DAY

**dickhead** : unlock your door lavi  
 **dickhead** : you cannot escape death

**big hammer ;)** : ………….

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : hoe don’t do it

**big hammer ;)** : …………………..!!!!!!!!

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : HOE DON’T DO IT

**big hammer ;)** : ITS MY OBLIGATION T O DO SO  
 **big hammer ;)** : YUU* CANNOT ESCAPE

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : OH SHIT WHAT SJKDS  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : WTF WAS THAT NOISE

**Link** : That would be the sound of a door being kicked open  
 **Link** : …..Albeit with extreme force

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : AAHAHHA OH MY GOD ??????

—

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**   
_1:47 am_

**big hammer ;)** : lol so fungi are like mushrooms right  
 **big hammer ;)** : and fungi can grow on human body

**karma, bitch** : yes..

**big hammer ;)** : would thaat make it

**float like a butterfly** : wait  
 **float like a butterfly** : what

**big hammer ;)** : zombie  
 **big hammer ;)** : gourmet meals?

**nein!** : eww

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : WHAT

**big hammer ;)** : im asking the real questoins here  
 **big hammer ;)** : are human fungi, zombie gourmet meals?

**rowohfa** : no………….

**big hammer ;)** : aww :(  
 **big hammer ;)** : i thought i was gonna make a breakthrough  
 **big hammer ;)** : was gonna call up the head scientists of australia

**fckn YUM** : you wouldn’t even make masterchef

**nein!** : gross

**big hammer ;)** : my dreams: crushed  
 **big hammer ;)** : my theories: set aflame  
 **big hammer ;)** : my dick: out

**chaojiggle** : shut UP and SLEEP

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : what is with your sudden interest in the supernatural  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : the cryptids  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : trying to find your new boyfriend or smth

**rowohfa** : inter species marriage ?! [monkey covering mouth emoji]

**float like a butterfly** : not really since lavi is a cryptid himself

**chaojiggle** : a new one

**nein!** : ah thus why he is gaining this information on  
 **nein!** : what types of blood vampires prefer  
 **nein!** : or whether or not fungus is gourmet zombie dish

**fckn YUM** : whats wrong with your current cryptid

**big hammer ;)** : im sorry?/?

**fckn YUM** : bakanda

**dickhead** : excuse me

**float like a butterfly** : i mean…. allens not wrong

**karma, bitch** : LMAO

**big hammer ;)** : id rather choke on rotten zombie dick than date the entity that is kanda

**karma, bitch** : LMAOO OH SHIT

**float like a butterfly** : lavi there are footsteps running toward your room

**big hammer ;)** : u dont live here how would u know

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yall heads up im adding our new roomie to the chat

**dickhead** : [image]

_**ILL KICK UR BALLS** has added **Link** to the chat_

**float like a butterfly** : KANDA OMG

**nein!** : he did that  
 **nein!** : he actually  
 **nein!** : took a pic of Lavi  
 **nein!** : sprawled on the ground  
 **nein!** : deceased

**karma, bitch** : #cryptid boyfriends  
 **karma, bitch** : oh GOD THOSE STOMPS R TERRIFYING

**rowohfa** : but we’re in a whole nother bulding xomplex ??!?!  
 **rowohfa** : holy CRAP THATS LOUD

**karma, bitch** : YUU PLS IM INNOCENT

**Link** : What on Earth is happening here??

**fckn YUM** : oh shit

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : YALL DIDNT HEED MY WARNING

**big hammer ;)** : DAISYA WE WERE BUSY  
 **big hammer ;)** : TRYNA NOT GET KISSED BY KANDA

**fckn YUM** : KISSED ??? ?? ??

**big hammer ;)** : KILLED  
 **big hammer ;)** : IMEANT KILLED  
 **big hammer ;)** : AHHAHHAAAHHAHHAAHAHHA

**chaojiggle** : that is a suspicious string of messages

**float like a butterfly** : LAVI DO YOU HAVE SMTH TO EXPLAIN??????  
 **float like a butterfly** : HMMMM??? ??? ??????  
 **float like a butterfly** : [eyes emoji]

**big hammer ;)** : UHHH  
 **big hammer ;)** : FUCK HES COMING  
 **big hammer ;)** : GOTTA JET

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : thats what he said  
 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : AASKJDSJDDD

**Link** : I doubted your words, but having seen this shocking display of evidence  
 **Link** : How /does/ he move that fast?

**fckn YUM** : he’s a cryptid, obviously

**rowohfa** : LMAO

**Link** : What have I gotten myself into

**float like a butterfly** : link rn: 


	3. THATS THE ONLY SUCC I’LL DO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karma, bitch: ALLEN JUST ZOOMED AST ME  
> karma, bitch: PUSHED ME ASIDE  
> karma, bitch: AND TOOK THE PLATE OF FOOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for mentions of harassment (implied to be sexual), dark humour, alcohol, really tragic messages to and fro. there are explanations in the end notes
> 
> character names are the same
> 
> oh! also ch2 has been edited just a little bit and i changed the title of the fic from "well i was tryna play stardew valley whilst high" to "let the bitch rest daisya"

**let’s go lesbians let’s go!!!**  
_9:42 am_

**karma, bitch** : lenaleeee one of your secret admirers are here

 **fckn YUM** : yikes!

 **rowohfa** : hey!! lena’s busy rn but i’ll tell her  
**rowohfa** : she asked what do they look like

 **karma, bitch** : well they’re tall and handsome ;)  
**karma, bitch** : a real neat plait with equally neat looking clothes

 **fckn YUM** : are you just  
**fckn YUM** : texting in front of him??  
**fckn YUM** : them??  
**fckn YUM** : him?? she?? 

**karma, bitch** : idk boo  
**karma, bitch** : and no,,, i looked through the peephole  
**karma, bitch** : and well they’ve got a big fuckin plate full of pastries  
**karma, bitch** : i think they’re homemade  
**karma, bitch** : wow th

 **rowohfa** : ???  
**rowohfa** : alma????????  
**rowohfa** : “wow th” what????

 **karma, bitch** : ALLEN JUST ZOOMED AST ME  
**karma, bitch** : PUSHED ME ASIDE  
**karma, bitch** : AND TOOK THE PLATE OF FOOD

 **rowohfa** : oh ymg god

 **karma, bitch** : STUFFS ONE IN HIS MOUTH AND SAYS THANK U  
**karma, bitch** : what an IDIOT LMAO

 **rowohfa** : aww always so polite though [blushy smile emoji]

 **karma, bitch** : LMAODSJSKSLLL  
**karma, bitch** : I THINK ITS LINK FROM KANDAS APT

 **rowohfa** : oh!!! the one daisya added???

 **float like a butterfly** : so not one of my admirers  
 **float like a butterfly** : shame,,

 **rowohfa** : no lena!!!!!

 **float like a butterfly** : YES LENA!!!!  
**float like a butterfly** : rohfa and i have to go back to serving these shitty ass customers but i came here to tell u to tell allen to not suck dick in our SHARED APT ROOM PLEASE!!!!!!

 **karma, bitch** : HAHHA OKAY !!!!!!  
**karma, bitch** : allens got that charming smile and LINKS GOT A PRETTY BLUSH ON HIS FACE  
**karma, bitch** : (an d yeah i got that he’s a he allen asked straight up)

_10:14 am_

**fckn YUM** : WHAT THE SHIT STICKS GUYS IM NOT SUCKING HIS DICK

 **karma, bitch** : well u were sucking that jam out of those pastries

 **fckn YUM** : THATS THE ONLY SUCC I’LL DO

 **karma, bitch** : ….for now ;)

 **fckn YUM** : ok but maybe,,, if he gives more food  
**fckn YUM** : it was so delicious

 **float like a butterfly** : you’ll literally eat anything allen  
**float like a butterfly** : the other day i dropped my ice cream on the floor and you cried then scooped up the parts that werent touching the floor  
**float like a butterfly** : THEN ATE IT

 **fckn YUM** : LENA DON’T ATTACK ME LIKE THIS

—

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**  
_11:03 am_

**nein!** : prof fidora mor e like prof fi-draw you while lickin his stupid std lips ami right pals

 **big hammer ;)** : lmaoo that’s creative

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : wow harassment THIS early in the morning?

 **karma, bitch** : yeah isn’t the prime hour for sexual harassment 4:20

 **big hammer ;)** : nO that’s lit time  
**big hammer ;)** : sex time is 6:19

 **float like a butterfly** : what

 **karma, bitch** : oh my bad b!!!!!!!

 **nein!** : Okay I know I’m making jokes but I’m really uncomfortable right now so fun time is over *

 **float like a butterfly** : got it

 **big hammer ;)** : are u using speech to text?

 **nein!** : Yes I keep making spelling mistakes when typing  
**nein!** : Am I lightweight for drinking whole bottle but it’s only five percent woo **

 **chaojiggle** : No? Its a whole ass bottle

 **big hammer ;)** : aw jeez are you okay miranda

 **float like a butterfly** : Miranda want me to come over? 

**nein!** : No it’s okay Marie is here  
**nein!** : Sorry guys I’m love you but I’m just so sick of it why can’t I retaliate ever I’m just so weak go go go  
**nein!** : Miranda forgot the command for sending the text - Marie **

 **rowohfa** : it’s fine!!

 **big hammer ;)** : i’m sorry you had to go through that miranda  
**big hammer ;)** : and i’m also sorry to say that its so fucking common  
**big hammer ;)** : Fidora does that shit to me too

 **float like a butterfly** : it’s sheryl for me

 **chaojiggle** : i’ve stopped sending in complaints a long time ago cause they just never acknowledge it  
**chaojiggle** : even the crow don’t do shit

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : fuck leverrier  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : if i weren’t so broke i’d change uni

 **karma, bitch** : this place fucking sucks  
**karma, bitch** : they’ll take you in ez and everything’s free  
**karma, bitch** : and then as soon as you step in through the gates  
**karma, bitch** : it’s like  
**karma, bitch** : the way we’re treated?  
**karma, bitch** : it’s terrible  
**karma, bitch** : it’s like we aren’t even human to them

 **fckn YUM** : where else do we even go  
**fckn YUM** : this place has everything  
**fckn YUM** : it’s cheap and the accommodation is so good

 **dickhead** : thats partly why i dropped out so quick

 **float like a butterfly** : that makes sense

 **Link** : Not to derail your experiences, but I have heard great things about this university. So it confuses me as to why these incidents have been ignored if several complaints have been made already?

 **fckn YUM** : oh

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : fuck poor you link

 **karma, bitch** : i feel so bad lmao  
**karma, bitch** : guess you’re just stuck with the rest of us in this shit hole

 **chaojiggle** : i mean we’re mostly used to this shit by now and we’re going to graduate soon so?

 **dickhead** : students pass thru in as little as a year so people think that trauma doesnt settle in such a short amount of time especially since its smth as trivial as profs grasping at ur hair and making degrading comments

 **big hammer ;)** : holy shit

 **chaojiggle** : what

 **float like a butterfly** : kkanda???

 **rowohfa** : he went offline!!

 **karma, bitch** : lavi can you check on him please

 **big hammer ;)** : i got it

 **nein!** : Haven’t I suffered enough? I finally find a school that doesn’t charge extra for taking too long to graduate I find a job that doesn’t care about my stupid clumsiness of course all good things that happen to me have to be cursed of course this bad luck has to spread to the only friends I have I hate this I hate everything  
**nein!** : Miranda is now crying and I felt like the message should still be sent - Marie  
**nein!** : Do you guys mind coming over? - Marie

 **rowohfa** : sure no problem!!!

 **fckn YUM** : we’ll be there in 15

 **float like a butterfly** : haha unless you get lost again 

**fckn YUM** : catch these hands lenalee

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : fuck yeah we’re wayyy overdue for a movie night

 **chaojiggle** : it’s midday

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : and so what?????

 **chaojiggle** : yeah okay

 **nein!** : Miranda is worried you guys will be skipping classes for her - Marie  
**nein!** : Prove her wrong please - Marie

 **float like a butterfly** : idc if i fail miranda because listen,  
**float like a butterfly** : you’re forever  
**float like a butterfly** : and uni is temporary   
**float like a butterfly** : i dont know what to do with my life  
**float like a butterfly** : but i know youre always a part of it  
**float like a butterfly** : so i want to be there for you

 **fckn YUM** : we love you miranda

 **rowohfa** : [heart emoji x5]  
**rowohfa** : we’re bringing snacks!!!

 **fckn YUM** : omg link can you bring more of your pastries

 **Link** : I’m invited? I don’t want to impose; this seems personal.

 **nein!** : Miranda says she wants your pastries too - Marie

 **rowohfa** : yes!! the more the merrier!!

 **big hammer ;)** : the more the marier*

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : lmao marie can’t see the pun lavi

 **big hammer ;)** : i’ll explain it to him when i get there

 **Link** : In that case, thank you, and I will be a little bit late

 **rowohfa** : i’ll dm you the address!!!! 

_7:24 pm_

**rowohfa** : ok we’re home!!!!

 **big hammer ;)** : so are we

 **nein!** : thank you guys so much  
**nein!** : i really love you all

 **rowohfa** : awww [heart emoji]

 **float like a butterfly** : that’s so gay miranda  
**float like a butterfly** : but we love you too

 **chaojiggle** : get some sleep okay?

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : wait wait can u explain  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : how tf you’re such a tech genius  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i never expected that from you

 **big hammer ;)** : let the bitch rest daisya

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : IM A CURIOUS BOI

 **nein!** : it’s fine lol  
**nein!** : so what i did first was

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : oh god my head already hurts

 **big hammer ;)** : sPeAk eNgLish

 **rowohfa** : aiya guys

 **big hammer ;)** : LMAO AIYA

 **float like a butterfly** : stoppppppp i’m crying

 **karma, bitch** : yes she rly is

 **chaojiggle** : well mayb if u didn’t drink all the cruisers in their apartment

 **float like a butterfly** : BUT  
**float like a butterfly** : THE NEW PINK GRAPEFRUIT PL=F  
**float like a butterfly** : FLAVOUR

 **big hammer ;)** : “flavour”  
**big hammer ;)** : smh you aussies adding the extra U

 **float like a butterfly** : OK AMERICAN SHUT UP

 **fckn YUM** : i’M bRITISH???? NOT AUS?????

 **Link** : You are from the UK Allen?

 **float like a butterfly** : i’m england too ???????

 **fckn YUM** : yeah  
**fckn YUM** : united kingdom of america

 **Link** : I can’t tell if you’re joking or not

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LMAOOOO

 **float like a butterfly** : MIRANDA CONTINUE B4 WE GET OFF TOPIC

 **chaojiggle** : we’re already off topic

 **float like a butterfly** : smh

 **nein!** : tl;dr marie is my heart my love my muse my motivation and i wanted to include him in online interactions. i coded our phones and pcs so when we do speech to text it’ll send messages with our names at the end of each one***

 **fckn YUM** : WAIT WHAT 

**big hammer ;)** : IS THIS LIKE  
**big hammer ;)** : VOICE RECOGNITION

 **rowohfa** : omg “marie is my heart my love my muse” that’s SO CUTE SJKDSJSJS

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : THIS IS SOME TONY STARK SHIT OMG

 **karma, bitch** : that’s so cool miranda??

 **float like a butterfly** : wow miranda that makes me so lesbian!!!!!

 **nein!** : no what  
**nein!** : it’s like a specific phrase we say  
**nein!** : idk how to explain in non-miranda terms

 **rowohfa** : that’s okay [pensive emoji]

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yeah i was lost from the moment you began explaining

 **float like a butterfly** : truly a goddess among us

 **karma, bitch** : WOWOWOWO

 **nein!** : That’s my wife - Marie  
**nein!** : JSKJAJDJS HE STOLE MY PHONE

 **big hammer ;)** : OMG YALL ARE ALREADY MARRIED ? ????

 **nein!** : NO

 **fckn YUM** : awwww my mum and dad :’))))

 **nein!** : STOP THIS

 **rowohfa** : UWU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * people cope with terrible experiences differently. i am among those who tend to use humour instead of actually facing the problem, even if my jokes are really demoralising / really offensive. miranda here tries to make light of her situation but is really affected but what happened to her so!! i guess the message here is don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re ever uncomfortable in a situation. it won’t make the atmosphere weird, maybe a little awkward as people try to sway the convo into a different direction, but they’re helping you be distracted from what’s bothering you. later when miranda comments she’s drinking, its clear to her friends that she needs more than just a distraction, and the continuous share of terrible experiences are both bg to this au and i guess to add angst to this fic,,, you know how i said i wanted the dgm kids to be happy? sometimes trauma shapes who their characters are. i wanted them to uplift each other, be there for each other, and make solid promises (that will come true) that they’ll eventually leave their shitty place and be in peace
> 
> ** the change in the way they’re texting from here on is to help translate the speech to text and text to speech on both sides. (you’ll see that kanda ignores grammar still, but he’s still coherent)
> 
> *** this is meta but i feel like miranda’s one of those people who can’t do shit for herself, but when it comes to others needing help/needing something so trivial, she’ll succeed in doing so to make them happy. ie that time in canon when allen was hungry and miranda did a 180 from being anxious to giving allen candy;; like with her clumsiness you’d think she’d drop the candy or really stumble on her words, but her friend (and saviour !! ie one of the first arcs in the series) is hungry af she ain’t gonna let him starve!! and i chose tech genius bc of her love for marie,, i think it’s p sweet


	4. The Lore of Allen Walker™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lavi: makes a sex joke  
> everyone: ha ha shut up go away wow so funny rolls eyes
> 
> allen: makes a sex joke  
> everyone: ALLEN NO FOR OUR SANITY PLEASE NOOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i figured out how to add links so if you click on it, it'll take you to imgur where (hopefully) the meme i put in will show up. please tell me if it doesnt work

**kanda get your own apartment challenge**  
_3:02 am_

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : who in the shit gigles is rummaging around so fuxking loudly at this itme

 **Link** : I’m sorry

 **big hammer ;)** : wow “sorry” and not “i apologise” ??  
**big hammer ;)** : somethings wrong

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : that’s rude lavi

 **big hammer ;)** : opps

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ok but serssly link if smths wrong u can tell us even if rlly vaguely  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : caus like ur gponna be livig here for a long time

 **Link** : I appreciate the concern but it’s better for your health if you sleep.

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i want to sleep but id rather slep knowing evryhting heres peaceful  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : well as pecfulel as can be with kanda around

 **dickhead** : excuse me bitch

 **big hammer ;)** : sleepy daisya is so mushy [vomiting emoji]

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : guck off

 **Link** : Well thank you, but I would rather not dump my problems onto the rest of you  
**Link** : Seeing as we don’t really know each other  
**Link** : Please don’t take offence to that

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : oh man  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : is this bc we invited u to mirnandads  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : and got drunk  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : and talked  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : and cried a lot

 **Link** : …Yes that’s exactly it

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : DUDE

 **big hammer ;)** : LMAO no it’s fineee  
**big hammer ;)** : look man we’re sorry if we pushed you too much into joining us!

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i think its was bc we havnt had a new roomie in a while

 **big hammer ;)** : we got overexcited !!!

 **Link** : That’s fine, no need to apologise  
**Link** : Just don’t think you need to continue to be polite.  
**Link** : I’m sure we’ll be friends in time

 **big hammer ;)** : HELLY EAH

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : REALLY GOOD FRIENDS  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : U WON T REGRET THSI

 **dickhead** : i regret everything  
**dickhead** : leave while you can link

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : THATS NOT THE SPIRIT

 **Link** : I’m sure this is worth it.

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : YESSS NOW THAT’S THE SPIRIT  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : KANDA LEARN A LESSON HER  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : E  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : HERE

 **dickhead** : fuck off

 **big hammer ;)** : 

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : that is ALSO a spirit LMAO  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : gimme some

 **big hammer ;)** : just  
**big hammer ;)** : walk yourself across the hallway?

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : im comfy in bed  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : 

**big hammer ;)** : you just have that image ready at hand

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yes

 **big hammer ;)** : oh but you actually got up tho??

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : no?????  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : lavi?? ?? ?  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : WHO IS AT YOUR DOOR  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LAIVI? ? ?????

 **Link** : It isn’t me, if you must know

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : OH MY [eyes emoji x8]

 **Link** : Please calm down

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : [wink emoji x12]

—

**i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL**  
_1:26 pm_

_**big hammer ;)** has changed the chat name from **i don’t believe in hell, but this is HELL** to **allen whyd u dye your hair**_  
_**fckn YUM** has changed **fckn YUM’s** name to **THATS SLANDER**_

**THATS SLANDER** : who told you this lie

 **rowohfa** : allen dyes his hair?????

 **karma, bitch** : we been knew

 **float like a butterfly** : yeah it’s originally red

 **THATS SLANDER** : ??  
**THATS SLANDER** : where the fcukuk  
**THATS SLANDER** : who told you ???????

 **chaojiggle** : haven’t you seen the roots of his hair before?

 **THATS SLANDER** : WHO LOOKS AT THE ROOTS OFPEOPLES HEAD

 **chaojiggle** : DON;T JUDGE ME

 **rowohfa** : he’s always wearing hats though !!

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : pshh yeah to appear “tall” but we all know he’s short as shit

 **THATS SLANDER** : bitch

 **big hammer ;)** : some drunk old guy in a pub at an undisclosed location

 **rowohfa** : OH MY GDO WHAT

 **float like a butterfly** : that’s VERY suspicious lavi

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : HOLD UP AN OLD GUY????  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ALLENS DAD??? ??

 **THATS SLANDER** : thats low

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : sorry  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : but we are finally getting some background into the Lore of Allen Walker™ here

 **THATS SLANDER** : the fuck?

 **big hammer ;)** : well he might as well have been seeing as he had the most red ass hair ive ever seen  
**big hammer ;)** : wait  
**big hammer ;)** : not ASS hair  
**big hammer ;)** : but the EXPRESSION

 **float like a butterfly** : no one thought otherwise, lavi  
**float like a butterfly** : not until you said so

 **big hammer ;)** : i am my worst enemy

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LMAO

 **big hammer ;)** : …….or he might be my dad  
**big hammer ;)** : lol

 **THATS SLANDER** : #daddy issues

 **karma, bitch** : #no parent issues

 **Link** : Relatable.

 **chaojiggle** : oh my god

 **big hammer ;)** : ONE OF US ONE OF US

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : you’ll fit in GREAT

_1:43 pm_

**big hammer ;)** : allen don’t think i didn’t notice that you never answered properly

 **THATS SLANDER** : 

**big hammer ;)** : GET BACK HERE

 **float like a butterfly** : hahahahhaa

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : rip

 **rowohfa** : tell us allen !!!

 **THATS SLANDER** : fuck fineeeee  
**THATS SLANDER** : its like no one can call me red now that i got white hair [smirk emoji]

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : what????

 **big hammer ;)** : what’s wrong with red??

 **THATS SLANDER** : only that it’s absolutely gorgeous on you, lavi [wink emoji]

 **big hammer ;)** : aww that’s gay, thank you!

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : shakes head at lavi

 **float like a butterfly** : tut, tut,

 **big hammer ;)** : what

 **karma, bitch** : allen has you wrapped around his pinky

 **big hammer ;)** : allen has VEERYONE warpped around his pinky

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : veeryone warpped

 **big hammer ;)** : shut up

 **THATS SLANDER** : that’s not true

 **float like a butterfly** : yeah i’m immune

 **THATS SLANDER** : i have some people wrapped around my dick

 **rowohfa** : ALLEN NO

 **nein!** : ALLEN PLEASE

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LMAOOO

 **big hammer ;)** : aint you a sub tho

 **chaojiggle** : I choked on my water, thanks

 **big hammer ;)** : is that the only thing you choked on?

 **chaojiggle** : shut the fuck your face

 **float like a butterfly** : that’s enough sex related jokes for today lavi

 **Link** : I am so lost.

 **rowohfa** : omg allenwhat if u were named bread

 **THATS SLANDER** : excuse me

 **chaojiggle** : what???

 **Link** : Actually, I am devastatingly lost. I can never find my way back.

 **big hammer ;)** : so damn dramatic [crying laughing emoji]

 **float like a butterfly** : are you doing a creative writing course lmao

 **Link** : Not exactly.

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : very vague, very mysterious, i like, i like

 **THATS SLANDER** : can we go back to the bread thing ??

 **chaojiggle** : yeah like rohfa are you ok

 **float like a butterfly** : she’s sleep deprived ignore her  
**float like a butterfly** : she had to bake a LOT of bread today  
**float like a butterfly** : like A LOT  
**float like a butterfly** : the customers wouldn’t stop buying them  
**float like a butterfly** : idk whats with the sudden spike in people wanting carbs these days

 **rowohfa** : i love bread

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : AND THE CAFES BREAD IS SO GOOD THO

 **float like a butterfly** : ya that’s cause we make them lovingly by hand

 **big hammer ;)** : “lovingly”  
**big hammer ;)** : says the aromantic

 **float like a butterfly** : well it’s not like i’ll take the bread out for dates dickass

 **big hammer ;)** : AKLASLKKSS

 **rowohfa** : bread walker

 **THATS SLANDER** : omg…….

 **karma, bitch** : i’d eat that

 **dickhead** : alma no.

 **float like a butterfly** : HAHHAHAHA

 **chaojiggle** : bro what

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : thats nasty 

**THATS SLANDER** : oh alma, is that an invitation

 **karma, bitch** : ;))))

 **dickhead** : ALMA NO

 **big hammer ;)** : ew if it’s bread walker wouldn’t that mean yeast infection

 **THATS SLANDER** : SHUT U PP AND GET OUT

 **nein!** : disgusting

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : lmao who knew kanda could show emotion

 **big hammer ;)** : only when it comes to alma

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yeah and lavi

 **dickhead** : watch it bitch

 **big hammer ;)** : OH MY GOD 

**chaojiggle** : absolutely terrifying 

**THATS SLANDER** : like a chihuahua  
**THATS SLANDER** : but Tall

 **big hammer ;)** : rip he just sprinted out the door

_2:08 pm_

**big hammer ;)** : 

**THATS SLANDER** : when did you take that photo??

 **float like a butterfly** : is that seriously your only concern

 **big hammer ;)** : LMAOOO

 **rowohfa** : omg

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : that’s legendary mate

 **karma, bitch** : what even is that face allen

 **THATS SLANDER** : my face is gorgeous don’t be jealous

 **karma, bitch** : i’m not, i’m being gay

 **THATS SLANDER** : kskdsdsjj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the next chapter we're gonna let link to get closer to the crew through cliche games like in many, many other chatfics! yall need to be friends !!!!!!!! link it up in there!!! unlock level 23 friendship


	5. got damb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ILL KICK UR BALLS: lavi once yelled at the sun to shut up for being loud when he meant it was too hot so  
> ILL KICK UR BALLS: he’s just weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty to the anon for the tutorial on adding images to fics,, hopefully it works and im gon go fix up the rest of the fic now!!

**allen whyd u dye your hair**

_10:22 am_

**big hammer ;)** : ugh i just want to play new horizons

**big hammer ;)** : @lena have you finished the thing for the thing

**THATS SLANDER** : that’s really specific lavi

**chaojiggle** : i forget you two do the same courses

**float like a butterfly** : mayb if you didnt’ do shit atthe last minute you could play nh as long as you want

**big hammer ;)** : but i work best under pressure!!!

**rowohfa** : gross!! pressure :(

**float like a butterfly** : please tell me you at least started the report

**float like a butterfly** : it’s like 100000000000 word min

**big hammer ;)** : haha

**big hammer ;)** : haven’t started jack shit

**float like a butterfly** : bro

**float like a butterfly** : i shared my doc for no reason ???

**big hammer ;)** : ILL DO IT LATER

**float like a butterfly** : #unsharing

**big hammer ;)** : #cut

**karma, bitch** : who uses google docs these days

**float like a butterfly** : #itbelikethat

**big hammer ;)** : #howdareyou

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : what the fuck else we supposed to use

**float like a butterfly** : hashtag do your work

**big hammer ;)** : hashtag yes daddy

**karma, bitch** : touche

**float like a butterfly** : hashtag its senpai to you

**nein!** : shut up pls

**nein!** : some people are actually TRYING to do work

**float like a butterfly** : LMAO sorry

**big hammer ;)** : sorry queen

_1:02 pm_

**float like a butterfly** : [image]

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : got DAMB LENALEE

**THATS SLANDER** : THICCCCC

**karma, bitch** : DAMNNN B!!

**rowohfa** : 

**chaojiggle** : thicc thighs save lives

**float like a butterfly** : thanks for the validation but the true thicc queen is mahoja

**rowohfa** : oh my god i’m so gay for her

**karma, bitch** : WE ALL ARE

**big hammer ;)** : hoooo are you still at the gym i’ll join ya

**float like a butterfly** : not until you fucking finish your report

**big hammer ;)** : HOW YOU KNOW

**float like a butterfly** : bitch i know all

**THATS SLANDER** : she really do

**big hammer ;)** : ohmy goddddd

**big hammer ;)** : i’m so lazy

**big hammer ;)** : lets just play one (1) game then i’ll do it

**float like a butterfly** : smh lavi

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : wdym lets

**big hammer ;)** : bc i miss yall

**THATS SLANDER** : thats so gay lavi

**big hammer ;)** : I REALLY DO

**THATS SLANDER** : yeah ok we miss u too :/

**float like a butterfly** : get out of bed genius

**big hammer ;)** : youre so harsh lenale

**nein!** : lenale

**big hammer ;)** : its just an extra e

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : lenali

**karma, bitch** : lenaly

**THATS SLANDER** : lynaly

**float like a butterfly** : STOP thats disgusting

**float like a butterfly** : let me have my es

**THATS SLANDER** : i’d rather have my ts

**rowohfa** : KSKDSKDS

**karma, bitch** : LMAO ALLEN

**Link** : I don’t get it?

**chaojiggle** : es = estrogen

**chaojiggle** : ts = testosterone

**THATS SLANDER** : oestrogen

**big hammer ;)** : DISGUSITGIN

**Link** : I… still don’t understand, but I’ll just leave it be.

**THATS SLANDER** : it mean im boy

**THATS SLANDER** : i stick needles in me to get boy drug

**rowohfa** : oh my god allen

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : allen’s trans

**Link** : Oh, okay, thank you for explaining.

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : you still don’t understand do you

**Link** : Nope.

**THATS SLANDER** : LMAOOO

**karma, bitch** : dsdfsk

**big hammer ;)** : ok ok

**big hammer ;)** : how familar are you with like

**big hammer ;)** : lgbt

**big hammer ;)** : qa+

**Link** : Ah… I know that the term represents people who are gay? I never had a lot of access to this sort of information…

**rowohfa** : what!!!!

**nein!** : poor boy

**Link** : Please don’t call me that

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : sdjdksjjks

**nein!** : sorry link

**big hammer ;)** : OMG THIS IS GREAT

**rowohfa** : um what ???

**THATS SLANDER** : lavi you’re deranged

**big hammer ;)** : NO LIKE

**big hammer ;)** : we can work w this!!

**big hammer ;)** : we can find out about the Lore of Howard Link™ whilst playin games so i can procrastinate more

**Link** : Don’t use me as an excuse to not do your work

**big hammer ;)** : TOO LATE

**Link** : My god

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LMAOOOO

**THATS SLANDER** : go OFF link

**float like a butterfly** : this isn’t one of your fanfics lavi

**float like a butterfly** : whatre we gonn a do

**float like a butterfly** : truth dare over text??

**big hammer ;)** : THATS EXACTLY WHAT WE GON DO BITCHHHH

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ughhhhh

**float like a butterfly** : that’s so cliche lavi

**big hammer ;)** : NO I GOT AN EVEN BETTER IDEA

**nein!** : oh no

**chaojiggle** : everyone run for your lives

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : RUNNIN

**big hammer ;)** : TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE

**big hammer ;)** : I’LL START

**rowohfa** : ????

**big hammer ;)** : 1) I ONL Y LIKE DICK 2) LINK FELT WEIRD AT MIRANDAS TWO WEEK S AGO BC HES A SHY BOY WHO DOESTNT KNOW US 3) THE REASON I WEAR SCARVES IS BC IM HOT

**chaojiggle** : what the shit

**THATS SLANDER** : wtf is the third one LMAO

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : honestly.

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : it feels like true

**chaojiggle** : but HOW

**nein!** : wait

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : lavi once yelled at the sun to shut up for being loud when he meant it was too hot so

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : he’s just weird

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : the lie is number 1

**nein!** : oh man i didn’t even think about how link would have felt when i invited hiim over

**nein!** : must have been so awkward for you

**nein!** : i’m so sorry link!!!

**Link** : Oh, no, it’s absolutely fine now

**Link** : I had an enjoyable time

**Link** : …Well enjoyable after the cry session.

**THATS SLANDER** : HAAHJDSKDSJS

**rowohfa** : [crying laughing emoji]

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : got danmb

**nein!** : that’s a relief

**nein!** : ykn’w what though

**nein!** : i didn’t mind your presence but it was only weird bc i didn’t know you and i want to know you!

**float like a butterfly** : wow so forward miranda

**nein!** : NOT LIKE THAT

**rowohfa** : sddsjksdjjs

**big hammer ;)** : OKKK DAISYA YOU FOUND THE LIE WHICH MEANS ITS YOUR TURN WOOO

**THATS SLANDER** : you’re way too excited for this liavvi

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : liavvi LMAO

_**float like a butterfly** has changed **big hammer ;)** name to **liavvi**_

**liavvi** : smh

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i was a cliche jock in my younger years. im in a relationship with a girl. kanda and i are actually biological siblings

**nein!** : woah????

**chaojiggle** : I can def see daisya as a cliche jock

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : it’s my biggest shame

**karma, bitch** : LMAO

**liavvi** : i can’t see you in a relationship at this time in your life

**THATS SLANDER** : well i can see daisya as a cliche JERK

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : stoppp

**float like a butterfly** : GOT DAMB

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LENA THATS MY LINE

**float like a butterfly** : its a fuckin rick and morty reference shut your hell

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i HAVE MANY SHAMES AND ONE F OF THOSE IS LIKING RCK AND MORTY

**nein!** : it’s too vulgar for my tastes

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i respect that

**liavvi** : wait then which one is the lie????

**liavvi** : 2 or 3??

**karma, bitch** : what the ???

**THATS SLANDER** : 

**liavvi** : like i know daisya and kanda are adopted sibs but dais with a GRIL

**nein!** : a gril

**float like a butterfly** : mmm bbq

**karma, bitch** : shrimp on the barbie mate

**liavvi** : fuckin shrimps

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : IS IT THAT HARD TO SEE ME IN A RELATIONSHPI

**liavvi** : aren’t you aroace ??

**dickhead** : he’s only ace

**THATS SLANDER** : oh shit its akdan

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : AKDAN

**nein!** : why can nobody type these days

**karma, bitch** : ITS THE START OF WINTER

**liavvi** : the start of SOMETHING NEWWW

**float like a butterfly** : ENOUGH

**rowohfa** : winter is here [pensive emoji]

**liavvi** : rohfa watches got lmaoo

**float like a butterfly** : gOt dAmB

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : STOP TAKING MY EXCLAMATIONS

**liavvi** : HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ???????

**liavvi** : KANDA GO T IT RIGHT

**liavvi** : DAISYA WHO ARE YOU DATING

**liavvi** : WHAT THE FUCK WHY DONT WE KNOW

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : hahhahahhaha

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : i never said i was DATING

**THATS SLANDER** : nani the fuck

**float like a butterfly** : daisya and i are qpps congratulate us bitches!!!

**karma, bitch** : NNANI THE FUCK??

**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yupp!!

**rowohfa** : omg that’s adorablee

**rowohfa** : congrats [blushy smile emoji x2]

**float like a butterfly** : ty rohfa <3

**karma, bitch** : howd that happen??

**Link** : “QPPS”?

**THATS SLANDER** : queer platonic partners

**Link** : Thank you Allen

**THATS SLANDER** : uwu

**Link** : …I’ll just do my research on internet slang

**THATS SLANDER** : hHAHAH

**float like a butterfly** : 1- im too rowdy for a real bitch 2- daisyas prev foster parents were shite so i pretended to date him so theyd get off his back 3- im secretly heterosexual

**chaojiggle** : omg

**liavvi** : well played lena but its actually kandas turn since he got daisyas lie

**dickhead** : 1- i will not play 2- i will kick your ass 3- im making spaghetti tonight

**liavvi** : WHAT LAOMAO

**karma, bitch** : did someone hack his phone????

**THATS SLANDER** : DID SOMEONE SAY SAPHAGGITI

**liavvi** : did someone say kfc

**float like a butterfly** : SHUT UP LAVI

**liavvi** : ~I DONT CARE~

**nein!** : im literally sick of that commercial

**THATS SLANDER** : IM On My Way! over to yalls apt right this fckin minute

**THATS SLANDER** : ew autocorrect

**THATS SLANDER** : do i look like a clown t you @ phone??

**karma, bitch** : u are a clown aleln

**THATS SLANDER** : 

_**THATS SLANDER** has changed **THATS SLANDER’s** name to **booboo the fool**_

**chaojiggle** : Im litearlly dying

**karma, bitch** : hold up so this wasn’t a recent thing??

**float like a butterfly** : nop we just never found the correct term for it until now

**rowohfa** : awweee!!

**chaojiggle** : where did lavi go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1gMGz47lMk
> 
> fun facts: my name on discord is actually booboo the fool, the thing abt lavi yelling at the sun is smth i actually did (australia is really hot yall), annddd if u guys like dc heres a shy promo of my new fic which i wrote on a fuckin whim thanks for reading love yall bye


	6. classic horror movie move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy sorry i got into the haikyuu fandom and that is ALL i can think of nowadays. also we might be getting a dog im so happy i might die. 
> 
> though while i was exercising i left dgm in the background from the very beginning and remembered this fic so!
> 
> also um the dream lavi had? i actually had that dream and wanted to share it because it was so surreal bro. i DID wake up in sweat.
> 
> tw for alcohol mention?
> 
> yes i am currently tipsy

**allen whyd u dye your hair**  
_1:21 pm_

**liavvi** : guys listen  
**liavvi** : i had another weird dream last night (or last last night idk) and it had a major pun that i didn t realise until i remembered it this morn  
**liavvi** : do u wanna hear

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : YES

 **chaojiggle** : sure I’m doing nothing rn  
**chaojiggle** : could use some entertainment

 **liavvi** : ok so the perspective is this rando family at the beach. the kids are playing by the sea  
**liavvi** : um so they get scared because this massive ass coin thing  
**liavvi** : like imagine the chocolate coins, except its just sand  
**liavvi** : and imagine lifting the foil of the choco coin

 **rowohfa** : …ok?

 **liavvi** : so its a big sand coin with a mouth  
**liavvi** : and its terrorising the kids

 **karma, bitch** : lmao what

 **nein!** : umhmhm

 **Link** : Lavi, are you… alright…? 

**dickhead** : don’t. this is just how he is.

 **liavvi** : rude.  
**liavvi** : anyway they scream for the mum and runs to her, her back is to the sand monster so she doesnt see it

 **booboo the fool** : classic horror movie move

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : oop they gon’ die

 **karma, bitch** : smh :/

 **liavvi** : argh its hard to remember wait  
**liavvi** : the kids are like "bitch its behind you" and she doesnt believe until she turns around

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : BITC H ITS BEHIND YOU IM CACKLIGNSGJDS

 **liavvi** : the coin monster bites them all in one go and carries them back to the sea  
**liavvi** : the mums looking around, screaming for help but the beach is empty  
**liavvi** : suddenly a bajillion hands+arms shoot out of the sand/empty beach

 **karma, bitch** : ????

 **liavvi** : and hahahh  
**liavvi** : they're  
**liavvi** : WAVING

 **rowohfa** : ........

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : OH MY GO D

 **liavvi** : right

 **booboo the fool** : THAT IS FUCKING BRILLIAN T

 **float like a butterfly** : oh my god i hate you  
**float like a butterfly** : i hate dream you  
**float like a butterfly** : oh my goddd

 **liavvi** : when i woke up i  
**liavvi** : i was eating bfast remembing my weird ass dream  
**liavvi** : and im like I PUNNED IN MY OWN DREAM

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : jsdlkfjds you’re the ultimate PUN MASTER

 **Link** : What did I just read

 **booboo the fool** : KFJDSL MOOD

 **chaojiggle** : lavi you need help

 **liavvi** : okay but it was actually terrifying whe n i dreamt it  
**liavvi** : i woke up in cold sweat

 **booboo the fool** : HAHHDSJFSK

 **karma, bitch** : omg  
**karma, bitch** : i can imageine it

 **rowohfa** : sweaty lavi?

 **karma, bitch** : NO  
**karma, bitch** : I MEANT THE SCARY HANDS

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : one can say  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : laiv’s drem got a litle  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : ~handsy~

 **nein!** : NO STOP DSJK

 **float like a butterfly** : sop it you’re just as ba d as lavi

 **liavvi** : :)))

_11:34 pm_

**booboo the fool** : guys timcanpy is growling at an empty space

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : whomst

 **booboo the fool** : timcanpy  
**booboo the fool** : my dog  
**booboo the fool** : [image]

 **nein!** : dskgjs so cute

 **liavvi** : we literally saw him the other day ya dink

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : OHHH  
**ILL KICK UR BALLS** : wEll sorrY yo u guys all call him ‘tim’ so i didnt know who ‘canpy’ was

 **rowohfa** : AHHHHHHHHH ADORABLE

 **float like a butterfly** : canpy….

 **karma, bitch** : allen you hsould get a cat named canpytim

 **booboo the fool** : why

 **karma, bitch** : idk im tired

 **booboo the fool** : OK THAT DIDNT RLY ANSWER MY QEUSTIOjn

 **rowohfa** : more pics pls

 **booboo the fool** : sure  
**booboo the fool** : [image]  
**booboo the fool** : [image]

 **Link** : He’s a shiba inu right?

 **booboo the fool** : yepp  
**booboo the fool** : do u want to come see him

 **Link** : I would love to, if you would have me

 **booboo the fool** : fjdsfj id have you anyday  
**booboo the fool** : wait

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : JAHDJKSAH

 **karma, bitch** : ALLEN PLEASEJKSJS

 **nein!** : allen……….

 **rowohfa** : ofmgjsn allen ////

 **Link** : Speechless.

 **booboo the fool** : IMS ORYY IMSDFDSJ  
**booboo the fool** : BUT COME OVER WHNE U WANT I  
**booboo the fool** : TMPANY  
**booboo the fool** : DOG  
**booboo the fool** : HE’LL BE HAPPY TO SEEU

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : hes not the only one whos gonna be happy to see u link ;)

 **booboo the fool** : STOP THIS  
**booboo the fool** : IT WAS AN ACCIDEMTNS

 **rowohfa** : im dying [crying laughing emoji]

 **karma, bitch** : allen is that tim in your pcket or are u just happy ot see me

 **booboo the fool** : DONT DO THAT  
**booboo the fool** : DONT

 **nein!** : dsfjdskjskjskskskskds

 **rowohfa** : pl ease for my sanity

 **float like a butterfly** : its too late for this shit

_2:56 am_

**Link** : …Glad that conversation is over.

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : LMAOOOO

 **rowohfa** : [crying laughing emoji x3]

 **Link** : Allen, thank you for inviting me.

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : omg is link a vampire

 **karma, bitch** : PLEASE don’t with the supernational talk again

 **liavvi** : supernational LMFKDSF

 **karma, bitch** : DUPSERNATUARAL dsoory

 **chaojiggle** : what

 **karma, bitch** : look im  
**karma, bitch** : vodka

 **liavvi** : yooure…. vodka

_**float like a butterfly** has changed **karma, bitch’s** name to **vodka, bitch**_

**vodka, bitch** : i made lemonade ok and i just added vodka

 **float like a butterfly** : yeah this is the third cup they had today

 **rowohfa** : oh my god stoppp

 **Link** : :/

 **liavvi** : fkjsdlfds YOU MADE LINK USE AN EMTOCION

 **float like a butterfly** : IM DYINGG

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : *wipes tear* im so proud

 **Link** : I just wanted to say I love dogs and animals and I WILL visit Timcanpy.

 **nein!** : ….

 **vodka, bitch** : that was slightly threatening

 **booboo the fool** : yes you’re welcome here any time

 **dickhead** : simp

 **booboo the fool** : DSH SHUT UP SHUT UPP I AHATE U

 **vodka, bitch** : hey link make sure to bring more pastries  
**vodka, bitch** : that way allen will love you loads

 **Link** : Okay

 **booboo the fool** : JDSJKFJSKKJJKFDJKDJ

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : im laughing so hard my ass is shaking

 **liavvi** : HHAHHHAHAHAH

 **vodka, bitch** : nice.

_5:22 am_

**liavvi** : u ever move your hand muscles and feel your vein shifting

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : yum

 **dickhead** : don’t ever speak again. 

_8:34 am_

**float like a butterfly** : ugh  
**float like a butterfly** : it’s that time o f the year again

 **nein!** : ??

 **ILL KICK UR BALLS** : like a werewolf

 **rowohfa** : what no????  
**rowohfa** : werewolves are like monthly???????

 **float like a butterfly** : shut UP this is not some paranormal supernatural paranatural bullshit okaY

 **liavvi** : paranatural is a great comic

 **float like a butterfly** : yeah  
**float like a butterfly** : now listen  
**float like a butterfly** : krory is crying his ass off again

 **booboo the fool** : oh no

 **rowohfa** : what why  
**rowohfa** : im new pls tell me

 **float like a butterfly** : eliade

 **chaojiggle** : ???

 **liavvi** : his ex gf  
**liavvi** : she be gone

 **rowohfa** : oh no!! sorry for his loss

 **booboo the fool** : no nodsjfs  
**booboo the fool** : their relationship was just forcefully ended by her parents

 **chaojiggle** : WHAT THAT’S JUST AS SAD

 **float like a butterfly** : yeah….  
**float like a butterfly** : so now he mourns annually  
**float like a butterfly** : he doesnt knowhow to move on  
**float like a butterfly** : now i do not mind taking care of this tall boy who looks like a vampire  
**float like a butterfly** : BUT MY GUY PLEASE  
**float like a butterfly** : P LEAS E

 **nein!** : oh my

 **rowohfa** : u u h mm give him some wine idk

 **float like a butterfly** : great idea  
**float like a butterfly** : see yall later losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am gonna write a book one day just you guys wait mhmm just yoU guys wait
> 
> um my social s here https://chavsjun.carrd.co/

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on tumblr @ohnoyang ;)
> 
> https://chavsjun.carrd.co/


End file.
